Ha! I Win!

I often feel like I repeat myself in these self improvement blogs…

“I used to be really overweight and hated my body…”

“I have actually always hated my body, and I don’t even know why…”

“I went through some really rough times and found myself using alcohol and food as an unsuccessful coping mechanism…”

I guess maybe I do repeat them because they’re relevant to where I am, who I am and why I am doing what I’m doing.

At 13 years old in the 7th grade all I wanted to do was be a cheerleader. I had no interest in any other sports, but for some reason I just really wanted to cheer. Maybe it’s because making others smile, getting them excited and supporting them is what’s hard stamped in my DNA…who knows, but I wanted it.

…this should be the part where I tell you I tried out, got the spot and cheered throughout school; or maybe where I didn’t make it and kept trying until I got it, but it’s not.

I never tried out. I, at 13 years old, thought I was too big to be a cheerleader.

Before Facebook, and Instagram…before the #fitfam was a thing…back in the day when 17 Magazine was all that existed for young girls to compare to, I genuinely believed I was too big to cheer. I don’t know that I ever thought of myself as “fat” per say, but up until a few months ago I always thought I was huge. Like, I felt like I took up a lot of space…

It wasn’t until my wonderful boyfriend held his arms out in front of him one day and said “Look, THIS is how big you are…this is where my arms touch when I hug you!” that I realized how incredibly ‘small’ I actually was, that was a tiny circle. However, I still saw a great big girl in the mirror …over the past year I have fought hard to change my perception of myself, and it’s finally worked. With constant self improvement, positive self talk and a lot of love and support from the best man in the world, it’s finally worked.

It REALLY clicked for me when I received an email from a friend and new client a couple weeks ago. I’ve looked up to her killer physique since I met her! I was noting her starting measurements when I realized we are almost the exact same size! I was baffled, blown away, dumbfounded…I had NEVER thought I could possibly be the same size as her!

Then…it finally happened. When I went to the gym for the first time last week I saw little ole me in the mirror. I didn’t see “great big unhealthy me” …I saw every change, every new visible muscle, every vein that used to be hidden…

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This was the first time I’d seen this girl staring back at me…the first time I actually just saw me for what I am. It was a proud moment, a relief that I’d finally overcome that altered image…that I was finally winning this battle!

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I no longer struggle to fit in my clothes, I no longer feel like I take up so much space, I no longer see that “bigger” version of me. I see the hard work, the dedication, the years of struggles and the triumphs; the obstacles I’ve overcome and everything that’s brought me here.  I have a positive view on the next steps of my journey, and am proud to finally be healthy.

I’m finally winning this battle with myself, after all in the end it is just you vs. you ….

xoxo

OkieGirl

 

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