Ha! I Win!

I often feel like I repeat myself in these self improvement blogs…

“I used to be really overweight and hated my body…”

“I have actually always hated my body, and I don’t even know why…”

“I went through some really rough times and found myself using alcohol and food as an unsuccessful coping mechanism…”

I guess maybe I do repeat them because they’re relevant to where I am, who I am and why I am doing what I’m doing.

At 13 years old in the 7th grade all I wanted to do was be a cheerleader. I had no interest in any other sports, but for some reason I just really wanted to cheer. Maybe it’s because making others smile, getting them excited and supporting them is what’s hard stamped in my DNA…who knows, but I wanted it.

…this should be the part where I tell you I tried out, got the spot and cheered throughout school; or maybe where I didn’t make it and kept trying until I got it, but it’s not.

I never tried out. I, at 13 years old, thought I was too big to be a cheerleader.

Before Facebook, and Instagram…before the #fitfam was a thing…back in the day when 17 Magazine was all that existed for young girls to compare to, I genuinely believed I was too big to cheer. I don’t know that I ever thought of myself as “fat” per say, but up until a few months ago I always thought I was huge. Like, I felt like I took up a lot of space…

It wasn’t until my wonderful boyfriend held his arms out in front of him one day and said “Look, THIS is how big you are…this is where my arms touch when I hug you!” that I realized how incredibly ‘small’ I actually was, that was a tiny circle. However, I still saw a great big girl in the mirror …over the past year I have fought hard to change my perception of myself, and it’s finally worked. With constant self improvement, positive self talk and a lot of love and support from the best man in the world, it’s finally worked.

It REALLY clicked for me when I received an email from a friend and new client a couple weeks ago. I’ve looked up to her killer physique since I met her! I was noting her starting measurements when I realized we are almost the exact same size! I was baffled, blown away, dumbfounded…I had NEVER thought I could possibly be the same size as her!

Then…it finally happened. When I went to the gym for the first time last week I saw little ole me in the mirror. I didn’t see “great big unhealthy me” …I saw every change, every new visible muscle, every vein that used to be hidden…

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This was the first time I’d seen this girl staring back at me…the first time I actually just saw me for what I am. It was a proud moment, a relief that I’d finally overcome that altered image…that I was finally winning this battle!

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I no longer struggle to fit in my clothes, I no longer feel like I take up so much space, I no longer see that “bigger” version of me. I see the hard work, the dedication, the years of struggles and the triumphs; the obstacles I’ve overcome and everything that’s brought me here.  I have a positive view on the next steps of my journey, and am proud to finally be healthy.

I’m finally winning this battle with myself, after all in the end it is just you vs. you ….

xoxo

OkieGirl

 

#RoadTo27 Day 3 – Be You.

I guess this is kinda turning into a “things I’ve learned” series…Lord knows I’ve sure as hell learned a LOT over the last year.

This morning I woke up reluctantly after a rough nights sleep knowing I had to get ready to go to a second interview. You could say I was less than excited. Not because I don’t want the job, I actually really love the company and hope I land it, but because I wasn’t in the mood to get “girled up” and impress anyone today.

Then it hit me…I don’t have to.

I took the time for my first interview to make sure my hair was perfect, my makeup was flawless, my jeans were starched and pressed and my shirt was really nice. I mean, it’s important to present yourself well, right?

Today, however, I took a different approach. Knowing the available position had been narrowed down to myself and one other lady, I had an “all or nothing” attitude. If they don’t like me for plain ole me, they don’t want to hire me…because I’m not that starched jeans and red lip girl all the time. If my personality, attributes and experience don’t get me the job, but red lips will, well…I don’t want it anyway.

I took about 15 minutes to enjoy getting ready the way I would for any normal date night or something to that effect. Fixed my hair so it didn’t look so much like a disheveled hay bale, brightened my eyes a bit and made my eyelashes visible…nothing spectacular. I threw on the only pair of “non-work” jeans I had, a tank..and a neon pink and black button up shirt.

I laughed to myself when I looked in the mirror; I felt just exactly like me. That’s a good feeling. With my confidence high I strolled to the interview.

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I was early, as usual. This gave me a few minutes to visit with one of the fellas before the other showed up. It was in this small talk that I learned something about myself…

It wasn’t the pressed jeans and put together look that got me that second interview..it was my handshake.

When he said to me “So, you used to work on a ranch? That tells me a lot about your work ethic.” …it made me smile. I take a lot of pride in those years of loping ponies and long hours with the greatest West Texas cowboy I know, and I learned a lot.

“Yes sir.” I said..and I noticed an ornery looking grin about him.

Then he said, “You know what really impressed me about you?” …puzzled, I shook my head, and that’s when he said “Your handshake.”

Now I was the one with the ornery grin! When someone compliments something that is relevant to my character, I can’t usually contain myself. Of course I gave him a thank you, but he went on to say “It’s not often you get a handshake like that, it’s respectable.”

I was seriously speechless.

The second fella showed up and we proceeded to visit about what they’d require, my ability to do those things not originally discussed, etc….near the end of our chat a man walked into the office. He seemed important, sure enough …it was their CPA. I stood and shook his hand when they introduced us. Mr.CPA looked down at the fellas doing my interview like “Whoa, really?” …I just smiled as I sat back down.

Driving home I reflected on this. I had never thought about those little things. Those little signs of respect and sincerity that set me apart…the confidence I exude when introducing myself that makes me memorable. I know that I’m silly and quirky and funny and a bit odd, but I now know that those aren’t the qualities that stand out.

It’s my genuine being…it’s ME, as an individual. It’s my manners, it’s the way I was raised…it’s the fact that I’m different. It’s the fact that I respect people as individuals.

I’m pretty proud of that.

So, even if I don’t land this job…I know that in the last year of soul searching I’ve done something right. I’ve stayed true to my most genuine self. The woman who has never met a stranger, who respects everyone and who would do just about anything to put a smile on a face.

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Seriously, anything.

Stay true to who you are. Be YOU.

xoxo

OkieGirl

 

 

#RoadTo27 Day 2 – Change

Yesterday was day one of the newest DragonFit bootcamp round. I decided I was gong to fully commit this round, no half assing. I posted in our sisterhood group that I was going to do the “Mile For Time” challenge mentioned in our emails, and that I was going to crush my fastest mile. When I woke up this morning I had one thing on my mind – beating that time. I went to sleep thinking about it, I woke up thinking about it…I was going to do it.

I stretched and reached for my phone to check the time and the first thing I saw was a text from a girlfriend that said;

“Why am I afraid of change?!?!”

I sat there, phone in hand, trying to think of just what to tell her…

Because it’s scary! That’s why!!

What if you fail? What if you can’t do it? What if you lose friends? What if people mock you? What if…

…what if you succeed?

Over the last year I’ve made more changes than I can actually really wrap my head around. Small things like shaving off half my hair…and huge things like leaving my toxic marriage.

They were all scary, and they all caused exponential self growth. I’ve grown accustom to change, and I really like it – but it’s still very scary. I like it because I always grow and learn about myself, even if the change wasn’t necessarily “good”.

So, here’s my advice on change.

  • Embrace it, embrace the HELL out of it. It’s gonna be scary, but it’s going to be worth it.
  • Figure out what part of it is actually scaring you – for me, it’s often the fear of success.
  • Understand that every time you walk through a new door you’re going to lose people. Also understand that is perfectly okay. Most people we meet are just for certain phases of our lives, the ones who are meant to follow through each door will remain.
  • If there is someone who doesn’t support your change, they are NOT your tribe and you do not need them.
  • Seek positive energy and surround yourself with people who have similar goals and ambitions. It wasn’t until I did this that I really started to succeed.
  • Don’t worry about the thoughts of others. This is particularly true for lifestyle changes. When I started lifting like crazy and packing on muscle, I lost a lot of “friends” …that was my choice. No one get’s to decide what my body should look like but me!
  • LAUGH. When you hit a speed bump or completely screw up, laugh about it. Realize you’re human, find the light and just move forward.
  • Don’t be afraid to ask for help.Ever.
  • Find some consistency. Even if it doesn’t seem consistent, as long as you’re pushing towards your goals…you’re going to make the change permanent.
  • Don’t be afraid of failure. Failure is just in your head, there really are no failures…only lessons. Find the lesson and push forward. Readjust if you must, but keep moving towards the goal.
  • Get out of your own head. Don’t overthink it, just do it.

I think my last bit of advice on making change is this…

ALWAYS believe in yourself…and when you don’t, do it anyway.

I didn’t believe in myself when I stepped foot out to go on that run this morning. I knew there was NO way I was going to beat that time of 13:31…but I went out, and tried my damndest anyway.

I crushed it, by the way…by over 2 minutes.

You don’t always have to believe in yourself to create change, you just have to fight through the fear.

After all, on the other side of fear lies freedom.

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xoxo

OkieGirl

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hey, Mom…

I know you love her more than you love me.

Even though my whole life I’ve tried to be the perfect daughter. I’ve done everything I could do to try and make you proud of me. I’ve bent over backwards to help you just to make sure you’d love me. I’ve defended you hundreds of times to countless people…

…but you’ll never love me the way you love her.

She’s so ugly, though. She controls you. She’s turned you into someone I don’t even know. She makes you do things that make no sense, she constantly puts you in danger …and she begs you to hurt me; so you do.

She has turned you into someone so selfish and empty that I don’t even recognize your voice.

You don’t smile.

You don’t laugh.

You don’t sleep.

You don’t live…

…but you’ve got her.

You’ve got your pretty little pill addiction to get you through the day…

..but I don’t.

I have to wake up every morning and wonder if you’re still alive…and I have to deal with that, without a mistress, EVERY single day.

I have to go through HUGE things, alone.

No girl should have to sit in the bathroom floor crying while she’s losing what would have been her first child, because she can’t even call her Mom.

No girl should have to fight for the love and attention of her mother…

…so I’m done fighting.

You’ve got her, and I’ve got me.

You’ve always chose her over me…so now, I’m choosing me over you.

I hope she is there for you when you fall…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sometimes Livin’ A Country Life Is Hard.

I could sit here and write for hours on end as to why I love living in the country, away from town, and doing things the way we do. I have lived this way for 20 years now, and that will never change. 

With the good comes the bad, though, especially with raising your own livestock. I’m sure Rancher Girl at A Building We Shall Go blog can attest to this, as she has raised cattle all her life! I have had horses for most of mine, and some chickens back in the day…but we have just recently dove into things head first. We currently have 3 feeder pigs (Bacon, Pork Chop and Linda) that we are finishing out before we take them to town to have  them turned into consumable products.

*Maybe if I leave out key words the crazy people won’t harass me! Haha*

Now, you should know that I am an animal lover. I love our little pigs and enjoy taking care of them. They’re friendly and are always happy to see me…but they have a job on our little ranch, and that job is to sustain our healthy lifestyle. Even though they will be in the freezer in a few weeks, there is no reason for me to treat them as anything other than living things. They’re enjoying their lives and hanging out getting fat…and love their daily shower. I think happy animals probably taste better.

Anyway! We have made the decision to start getting our meat this way so we know exactly where it comes from. It’s important to me to know what I’m putting into my body, and it should be to you too! It’s something I will look forward to each year! We put a lot of time and a substantial amount of funds into these kids, so they’re prized here on the little ranch. 

So here is the hard part…

I was sittin on the new back deck this morning drinking my protein shake when I heard a dog parking in the direction of our hog pens. This isn’t something I was going to wait out, so I found my flip flops and ran down there. Luckily, they were unharmed and not too stirred up (Remy dog is Pork Chops bestie)…but off ran a dog into the pasture. I know the dog, she visits often…and is large enough to do some serious damage to the smaller pigs. This is hard because you’re faced with protecting your livelihood …or your neighbors stupid dog. I would much rather punish the neighbor, and this poses another hard part…the neighbor talk! Haha! 

Luckily, our neighbor is pretty cool and will probably try harder to keep his dog in check, but the point is; no matter how much you may love dogs, and how much your morals may say “don’t do it” when it comes to protecting your livelihood and sustaining your family…you have to be willing to do whatever it takes. I’m just glad I didn’t have to anything crazy this morning. 

Maybe I should offer to teach my neighbors how to train their dogs? 

I also think Bacon would tear a dog in half…another problem? Yes and no. 

Moral of this shamble of rambles: If you live in the country, train your dogs or get an electric barrier fence…and if they run and harass livestock, be prepared to suffer the consequences.

XoXo

OkieGirl 

He Does.

For women like me, who were raised to be tough willed and bull headed…sometimes it’s really hard to let yourself be vulnerable, to let yourself feel.

For YEARS I have hid my feelings deep inside, dealing with my demons on my own….unwilling to let anyone see me as anything but tough and happy.

I’m over that shit.

It took quite a while for my wonderful husband to break down my walls and show me that being a “girl” in front of him was okay. I still try not to cry in front of him, but if I do…he knows just what to do to comfort me. I still try and hide being upset, but he sees right through it, and usually does something weird to make me laugh.

There aren’t a lot of people in this world that can comfort you by simply being by your side…but he does.

There aren’t a lot of people who try and understand your pain instead of just putting it off…but he does.

There certainly aren’t a lot of men who listen to their wives ramble about their girly drama…but he does.

There aren’t a lot of men who step back and take the time to teach their wives whatever it is they want to learn…but he does.

He never mocks all my questions and is always teaching me new things and building me up.

He has never once told me I couldn’t do something, and always encourages me to try.

He believes in me when I don’t.

He is my best friend and my partner for life.

You really are my other half, babe…and I’d be so lost in this world without you.

Love never fails.

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xoxo

OkieGirl

A Weekend At The Drag Strip {Whichita Falls, TX}

I’ve been a gear head since I was little and racing is literally in my Hubby’s blood. Though we don’t have a hot rod [YET!] we get to tag along with good friends on occasion to enjoy the drag strip first hand.

There’s nothing like the smell of sweet alcohol burning and feeling that rumble in your chest!


                

 

The track was sticky and the burnouts were good, the opportunities endless and the company was exceptional. I am feeling very greatful and excited for the future on this Sunday!

XoXo

-OkieGirl