Ha! I Win!

I often feel like I repeat myself in these self improvement blogs…

“I used to be really overweight and hated my body…”

“I have actually always hated my body, and I don’t even know why…”

“I went through some really rough times and found myself using alcohol and food as an unsuccessful coping mechanism…”

I guess maybe I do repeat them because they’re relevant to where I am, who I am and why I am doing what I’m doing.

At 13 years old in the 7th grade all I wanted to do was be a cheerleader. I had no interest in any other sports, but for some reason I just really wanted to cheer. Maybe it’s because making others smile, getting them excited and supporting them is what’s hard stamped in my DNA…who knows, but I wanted it.

…this should be the part where I tell you I tried out, got the spot and cheered throughout school; or maybe where I didn’t make it and kept trying until I got it, but it’s not.

I never tried out. I, at 13 years old, thought I was too big to be a cheerleader.

Before Facebook, and Instagram…before the #fitfam was a thing…back in the day when 17 Magazine was all that existed for young girls to compare to, I genuinely believed I was too big to cheer. I don’t know that I ever thought of myself as “fat” per say, but up until a few months ago I always thought I was huge. Like, I felt like I took up a lot of space…

It wasn’t until my wonderful boyfriend held his arms out in front of him one day and said “Look, THIS is how big you are…this is where my arms touch when I hug you!” that I realized how incredibly ‘small’ I actually was, that was a tiny circle. However, I still saw a great big girl in the mirror …over the past year I have fought hard to change my perception of myself, and it’s finally worked. With constant self improvement, positive self talk and a lot of love and support from the best man in the world, it’s finally worked.

It REALLY clicked for me when I received an email from a friend and new client a couple weeks ago. I’ve looked up to her killer physique since I met her! I was noting her starting measurements when I realized we are almost the exact same size! I was baffled, blown away, dumbfounded…I had NEVER thought I could possibly be the same size as her!

Then…it finally happened. When I went to the gym for the first time last week I saw little ole me in the mirror. I didn’t see “great big unhealthy me” …I saw every change, every new visible muscle, every vein that used to be hidden…

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This was the first time I’d seen this girl staring back at me…the first time I actually just saw me for what I am. It was a proud moment, a relief that I’d finally overcome that altered image…that I was finally winning this battle!

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I no longer struggle to fit in my clothes, I no longer feel like I take up so much space, I no longer see that “bigger” version of me. I see the hard work, the dedication, the years of struggles and the triumphs; the obstacles I’ve overcome and everything that’s brought me here.  I have a positive view on the next steps of my journey, and am proud to finally be healthy.

I’m finally winning this battle with myself, after all in the end it is just you vs. you ….

xoxo

OkieGirl

 

Just A Girl.

I’m just a girl.1Just a girl from a small town in Oklahoma. Just a girl who was raised in the oilfield and on the land. Just a girl who loves more than she fights and has never met a stranger.

Just a girl who is kind and has a heart too big for this cruel world.

I’m just a girl who is 100% authentic in herself…and that’s no longer good enough.

I’m almost 6 foot tall; all legs and a short crooked torso. I wear a t-shirt, jeans and boots almost every day and my “dressed up” is probably less fancy than society’s version of “dressed down” for a 20-something woman these days. I lost my boobs to fitness and I don’t even own a dress. I do love to fix my hair and play in makeup from time to time – but this still just isn’t good enough for this feminist driven society.

Girl power. *insert eye roll here*

I get dirty…a lot, because my job requires it. I’m not afraid to work, never have been. I was shoveling shit on a ranch before I could drive, earning my keep that led me to be the horseman I am today. I love to go out in the field and come home at the end of the day filthy and exhausted because I busted my ass.

I also love to come home at the end of that day and throw some laundry in, whip up dinner and make sure the house is in order. There’s just something about the smile on a mans face when dinner is almost ready when he gets home.

SHOOT ME!

I’m not a feminist.

I.

AM.

NOT.

A.

FEMINIST!

You bet your ass I think a woman’s place is in the kitchen.You bet your ass I think it’s a woman’s duty to be the sole homemaker.You can also bet your ass that I believe any successful relationship is first based on friendship and mutual respect.

I’ve watched this dynamic since I opened my eyes and I respect my grandparents and their marriage of 66 years more than any of these short lived so called relationships of this century.

I am an extremely independent woman and there aren’t many things I can’t do on my own, but I can tell you from experience…I absolutely REFUSE to live in a household without a dynamic like my grandparents have, ever again. I don’t WANT to be equal to the man in  my life – that’s not the structure I desire. I want a man who can be a man, someone who desires to take care of me and protect me; not someone constantly hiding behind me and asking ME for direction? If I wanted that I would have been a switch hitter.

I am so confused by feminism, I guess specifically because I’ve never not “felt equal” to men? Maybe that’s because I was raised in the industries of a man and learned quick that in order to keep my place I needed to earn it? Who freaking knows.

All I know is this – women have created this skewed vision of the “modern woman” that is FUCKING THINGS UP!

We are all supposed to be put together, with perfect bodies and skin, stay up with the latest fashion, have high paying jobs, pay someone else to raise our kids, get educations, and bitch about the things men are doing wrong. We are supposed to rebel against EVERYfuckingTHING that is “typical” for a woman, too.

     Shave? OH no..fuck you, I’m a woman! I don’t have to do what you say! 

COOK? HA! You can cook your own dinner! Just because I’m a woman doesn’t mean I have to cook for you! 

    Don’t open my door, I can do it myself! 

GIRL POWER! No one can tell us what to do with our bodies, let’s parade around half naked!

       NO! I won’t have an office job, I want a “mans job” …and I want paid just the same!

Have I already asked you to shoot me? If not…SHOOT ME ALREADY!

Do you know how embarrassing it is to be a woman in her 20’s these days?

Women have made feminism into something extreme that is going to greatly impact the younger generations – in a very negative way. They are single-handedly killing chivalry one “I’ll get my own door” at a time. They have completely taken the modesty and mystery out of, well, EVERYTHING – and they are getting MAD about the reactions it’s causing. Not to mention that whole equal pay business.

 

We are constantly downgrading men for being “dogs” and “players” …but won’t step back and see what’s made them this way.

We idolize people like Beyonce’ and Miley Cyrus but bent out of fucking shape when Trump says he wants to grab someone by the pussy?

Do I think it’s okay for a man to throw degrading words at a woman? HELL to the NO, and I’ll be the first one to say something if I see it happen..BUT…

You get what you put out into the world. Respect yourself and you will be respected.

Keep your kitten in her pants and well, maybe no one will try and pet the damn thing.

I’m fucking old school. I don’t fit the mold of any “stereotypical female” and I never will conform to one.I will always happily go into “wife mode” when chores need done and I’ll always happily roll up my sleeves when someone needs an extra hand. Instead of crying to my mommy if some asshole runs his mouth, I’m going to just bitch slap him and tell him what I think!( I’d also suggest you keep your “oh, but what if he overpowers you” thoughts to yourself unless you REALLY want to open that can of worms.) If I get another job, where I make less than the men at the company,(*note, this is the current situation for my job) I probably won’t ever say anything…because there is LIKELY a reason! AND…get this, if there isn’t…I’ll just leave.

I’ll also continue to uplift every woman I see, because these standards…these things that have made me be scared to be myself for so many years, they’re scary. They’re ruining the younger generation and killing a part of what made love and marriage so beautiful to begin with.

I don’t even know what the hell I’m talking about now…

I bet this stirs the shit pots of a LOT of folks out there.

Here’s to ya!

xoxo

OkieGirl

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#RoadTo27 Day 3 – Be You.

I guess this is kinda turning into a “things I’ve learned” series…Lord knows I’ve sure as hell learned a LOT over the last year.

This morning I woke up reluctantly after a rough nights sleep knowing I had to get ready to go to a second interview. You could say I was less than excited. Not because I don’t want the job, I actually really love the company and hope I land it, but because I wasn’t in the mood to get “girled up” and impress anyone today.

Then it hit me…I don’t have to.

I took the time for my first interview to make sure my hair was perfect, my makeup was flawless, my jeans were starched and pressed and my shirt was really nice. I mean, it’s important to present yourself well, right?

Today, however, I took a different approach. Knowing the available position had been narrowed down to myself and one other lady, I had an “all or nothing” attitude. If they don’t like me for plain ole me, they don’t want to hire me…because I’m not that starched jeans and red lip girl all the time. If my personality, attributes and experience don’t get me the job, but red lips will, well…I don’t want it anyway.

I took about 15 minutes to enjoy getting ready the way I would for any normal date night or something to that effect. Fixed my hair so it didn’t look so much like a disheveled hay bale, brightened my eyes a bit and made my eyelashes visible…nothing spectacular. I threw on the only pair of “non-work” jeans I had, a tank..and a neon pink and black button up shirt.

I laughed to myself when I looked in the mirror; I felt just exactly like me. That’s a good feeling. With my confidence high I strolled to the interview.

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I was early, as usual. This gave me a few minutes to visit with one of the fellas before the other showed up. It was in this small talk that I learned something about myself…

It wasn’t the pressed jeans and put together look that got me that second interview..it was my handshake.

When he said to me “So, you used to work on a ranch? That tells me a lot about your work ethic.” …it made me smile. I take a lot of pride in those years of loping ponies and long hours with the greatest West Texas cowboy I know, and I learned a lot.

“Yes sir.” I said..and I noticed an ornery looking grin about him.

Then he said, “You know what really impressed me about you?” …puzzled, I shook my head, and that’s when he said “Your handshake.”

Now I was the one with the ornery grin! When someone compliments something that is relevant to my character, I can’t usually contain myself. Of course I gave him a thank you, but he went on to say “It’s not often you get a handshake like that, it’s respectable.”

I was seriously speechless.

The second fella showed up and we proceeded to visit about what they’d require, my ability to do those things not originally discussed, etc….near the end of our chat a man walked into the office. He seemed important, sure enough …it was their CPA. I stood and shook his hand when they introduced us. Mr.CPA looked down at the fellas doing my interview like “Whoa, really?” …I just smiled as I sat back down.

Driving home I reflected on this. I had never thought about those little things. Those little signs of respect and sincerity that set me apart…the confidence I exude when introducing myself that makes me memorable. I know that I’m silly and quirky and funny and a bit odd, but I now know that those aren’t the qualities that stand out.

It’s my genuine being…it’s ME, as an individual. It’s my manners, it’s the way I was raised…it’s the fact that I’m different. It’s the fact that I respect people as individuals.

I’m pretty proud of that.

So, even if I don’t land this job…I know that in the last year of soul searching I’ve done something right. I’ve stayed true to my most genuine self. The woman who has never met a stranger, who respects everyone and who would do just about anything to put a smile on a face.

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Seriously, anything.

Stay true to who you are. Be YOU.

xoxo

OkieGirl

 

 

#RoadTo27 Day 2 – Change

Yesterday was day one of the newest DragonFit bootcamp round. I decided I was gong to fully commit this round, no half assing. I posted in our sisterhood group that I was going to do the “Mile For Time” challenge mentioned in our emails, and that I was going to crush my fastest mile. When I woke up this morning I had one thing on my mind – beating that time. I went to sleep thinking about it, I woke up thinking about it…I was going to do it.

I stretched and reached for my phone to check the time and the first thing I saw was a text from a girlfriend that said;

“Why am I afraid of change?!?!”

I sat there, phone in hand, trying to think of just what to tell her…

Because it’s scary! That’s why!!

What if you fail? What if you can’t do it? What if you lose friends? What if people mock you? What if…

…what if you succeed?

Over the last year I’ve made more changes than I can actually really wrap my head around. Small things like shaving off half my hair…and huge things like leaving my toxic marriage.

They were all scary, and they all caused exponential self growth. I’ve grown accustom to change, and I really like it – but it’s still very scary. I like it because I always grow and learn about myself, even if the change wasn’t necessarily “good”.

So, here’s my advice on change.

  • Embrace it, embrace the HELL out of it. It’s gonna be scary, but it’s going to be worth it.
  • Figure out what part of it is actually scaring you – for me, it’s often the fear of success.
  • Understand that every time you walk through a new door you’re going to lose people. Also understand that is perfectly okay. Most people we meet are just for certain phases of our lives, the ones who are meant to follow through each door will remain.
  • If there is someone who doesn’t support your change, they are NOT your tribe and you do not need them.
  • Seek positive energy and surround yourself with people who have similar goals and ambitions. It wasn’t until I did this that I really started to succeed.
  • Don’t worry about the thoughts of others. This is particularly true for lifestyle changes. When I started lifting like crazy and packing on muscle, I lost a lot of “friends” …that was my choice. No one get’s to decide what my body should look like but me!
  • LAUGH. When you hit a speed bump or completely screw up, laugh about it. Realize you’re human, find the light and just move forward.
  • Don’t be afraid to ask for help.Ever.
  • Find some consistency. Even if it doesn’t seem consistent, as long as you’re pushing towards your goals…you’re going to make the change permanent.
  • Don’t be afraid of failure. Failure is just in your head, there really are no failures…only lessons. Find the lesson and push forward. Readjust if you must, but keep moving towards the goal.
  • Get out of your own head. Don’t overthink it, just do it.

I think my last bit of advice on making change is this…

ALWAYS believe in yourself…and when you don’t, do it anyway.

I didn’t believe in myself when I stepped foot out to go on that run this morning. I knew there was NO way I was going to beat that time of 13:31…but I went out, and tried my damndest anyway.

I crushed it, by the way…by over 2 minutes.

You don’t always have to believe in yourself to create change, you just have to fight through the fear.

After all, on the other side of fear lies freedom.

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xoxo

OkieGirl

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who I Want To Be.

Sometimes I write and save things in a folder on my computer titled “My Mess” …it’s kinda my journal. I go back through it from time to time when I need inspiration or something…today, I came across this post and Lord knows I needed it. It’s funny how much sense we make if we just listen to our own advice.

 

Who I want to be:

I want to be a fit, strong, sexy and confident woman. I want to inspire people to be better and help others find fitness. I want to matter to someone. I want to FEEL love the same way I give it. I want to know someone who I can be so brutally honest with that it almost hurts, but just almost.

I never want to have to hide who I want to be. I never want to feel like I’m walled off from who I can be.

I want to run, be free, just be…in nature, in the world.

I want to see things – beautiful things, things that haven’t been made but have been created.

I want to see sunsets in every state and run miles down a beach until I collapse in laughter and just breathe in the salty air.

I want someone to share in my passions, whatever they may be. I want someone to believe in me to the point it almost seems toxic, but just almost.

I never want to be afraid.

Not of anything.

Especially not of becoming exactly who I am.

xoxo

OkieGirl

Hey, Mom…

I know you love her more than you love me.

Even though my whole life I’ve tried to be the perfect daughter. I’ve done everything I could do to try and make you proud of me. I’ve bent over backwards to help you just to make sure you’d love me. I’ve defended you hundreds of times to countless people…

…but you’ll never love me the way you love her.

She’s so ugly, though. She controls you. She’s turned you into someone I don’t even know. She makes you do things that make no sense, she constantly puts you in danger …and she begs you to hurt me; so you do.

She has turned you into someone so selfish and empty that I don’t even recognize your voice.

You don’t smile.

You don’t laugh.

You don’t sleep.

You don’t live…

…but you’ve got her.

You’ve got your pretty little pill addiction to get you through the day…

..but I don’t.

I have to wake up every morning and wonder if you’re still alive…and I have to deal with that, without a mistress, EVERY single day.

I have to go through HUGE things, alone.

No girl should have to sit in the bathroom floor crying while she’s losing what would have been her first child, because she can’t even call her Mom.

No girl should have to fight for the love and attention of her mother…

…so I’m done fighting.

You’ve got her, and I’ve got me.

You’ve always chose her over me…so now, I’m choosing me over you.

I hope she is there for you when you fall…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just Start.

How To Start Your Health Journey

  1. MORE WATER – At least 3 liters a day, aim for a gallon
  2. CUT OUT THE POP – no soda, no sugary drinks, no Gatorade, no liquid CRAP.
  3. FORGET THE DIET – Get the idea of “going on a diet” out of your head and focus on creating a sustainable way of eating for life – not just for now.
  4. NO MORE “FAST & PROCESSED” – Skip the fast food and anything in a box. Keep to the outside aisles of your grocery store and as close to whole, real and natural foods as possible. 5 ingredients or less is a good rule of thumb.
  5. DON’T OVER COMPLICATE – Seriously, it’s not that hard. Food is fuel, use it as such. Eat when you’re hungry and stop when you’re full.
  6. LEARN WHEN YOU’RE FULL – Don’t drink with your meal. Before is fine, but stop when you start eating. When you get thirsty (more thirsty than hungry, that is) get a drink and STOP eating. This will retrain your brain to understand the difference in thirst and hunger.
  7. FORGET WHAT YOU “KNOW” – If you wake up in the morning, every single morning, and are NEVER hungry…don’t feel like you have to eat because “breakfast is the most important meal of the day” …breakfast has no time – it’s simply when you “break your fast”. If you’re not hungry until 10am or even 1pm …eat then. Your body is efficient and it’s telling you what it needs – LISTEN!
  8. LISTEN TO YOUR BODY – If you get tired after eating bread, stop. If you feel amazing after eating bacon, eat more. We all use fat and carbohydrates differently as fuel – some burn carbs better and some burn fat. Get in tune and figure out what your body likes.
  9. CARBS AREN’T THE DEVIL – Believe it or not, you need carbs to function. Choose them wisely and stop stressing, they aren’t going to kill you.
  10. REMOVE THE EMOTION – There should be no emotion attached to eating. It is not for celebrating, it is not a reward, it is simply fuel for your body. FOOD IS FUEL. Repeat that until you understand it. FOOD.IS.FUEL…nothing else.
  11. NO GUILT – NEVER feel guilty about eating something. If you want it, eat it! Enjoy it and move on. Don’t beat yourself up or even refer to those special goody meals as cheats – remember, food is just fuel…as long as you’re using race fuel about 80% of the time, that 20% of the time you use 87 octane pump gas isn’t going to hurt you. ENJOY your life.

The first step is simply trying. You will have hiccups, you will get confused and overwhelmed and begin to overthink…and when you do, go back to step 1 and KEEP trying until you find that sweet spot.

xoxo

OkieGirl

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