#RoadTo27 Day 2 – Change

Yesterday was day one of the newest DragonFit bootcamp round. I decided I was gong to fully commit this round, no half assing. I posted in our sisterhood group that I was going to do the “Mile For Time” challenge mentioned in our emails, and that I was going to crush my fastest mile. When I woke up this morning I had one thing on my mind – beating that time. I went to sleep thinking about it, I woke up thinking about it…I was going to do it.

I stretched and reached for my phone to check the time and the first thing I saw was a text from a girlfriend that said;

“Why am I afraid of change?!?!”

I sat there, phone in hand, trying to think of just what to tell her…

Because it’s scary! That’s why!!

What if you fail? What if you can’t do it? What if you lose friends? What if people mock you? What if…

…what if you succeed?

Over the last year I’ve made more changes than I can actually really wrap my head around. Small things like shaving off half my hair…and huge things like leaving my toxic marriage.

They were all scary, and they all caused exponential self growth. I’ve grown accustom to change, and I really like it – but it’s still very scary. I like it because I always grow and learn about myself, even if the change wasn’t necessarily “good”.

So, here’s my advice on change.

  • Embrace it, embrace the HELL out of it. It’s gonna be scary, but it’s going to be worth it.
  • Figure out what part of it is actually scaring you – for me, it’s often the fear of success.
  • Understand that every time you walk through a new door you’re going to lose people. Also understand that is perfectly okay. Most people we meet are just for certain phases of our lives, the ones who are meant to follow through each door will remain.
  • If there is someone who doesn’t support your change, they are NOT your tribe and you do not need them.
  • Seek positive energy and surround yourself with people who have similar goals and ambitions. It wasn’t until I did this that I really started to succeed.
  • Don’t worry about the thoughts of others. This is particularly true for lifestyle changes. When I started lifting like crazy and packing on muscle, I lost a lot of “friends” …that was my choice. No one get’s to decide what my body should look like but me!
  • LAUGH. When you hit a speed bump or completely screw up, laugh about it. Realize you’re human, find the light and just move forward.
  • Don’t be afraid to ask for help.Ever.
  • Find some consistency. Even if it doesn’t seem consistent, as long as you’re pushing towards your goals…you’re going to make the change permanent.
  • Don’t be afraid of failure. Failure is just in your head, there really are no failures…only lessons. Find the lesson and push forward. Readjust if you must, but keep moving towards the goal.
  • Get out of your own head. Don’t overthink it, just do it.

I think my last bit of advice on making change is this…

ALWAYS believe in yourself…and when you don’t, do it anyway.

I didn’t believe in myself when I stepped foot out to go on that run this morning. I knew there was NO way I was going to beat that time of 13:31…but I went out, and tried my damndest anyway.

I crushed it, by the way…by over 2 minutes.

You don’t always have to believe in yourself to create change, you just have to fight through the fear.

After all, on the other side of fear lies freedom.

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xoxo

OkieGirl

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s Not You, It’s Me.

An open letter to all the “best friends” I’ve had that disappeared without warning.

I’ve come to the conclusion today that it’s not you, it’s me.

I’m too much.

Too confident, too loud, to funny, too honest…

I’m too aggressive with the things I want…

I like to make people laugh too much, and I really like to make sure others understand their worth.

I like to make people feel loved, wanted and appreciated…

I really like to spoil.

I like to dig down deep and get to know people, especially those I see incredible potential in.

I’m a huge fan of expressing myself in weird ways, like dancing, singing, doing push ups…anything that will make an awkward situation even more awkward.

I don’t like awkward situations, so I am pretty good at acting like a fool to make others feel better.

So sorry about that….

Yeah, no I’m not….because that would mean I’m apologizing for being me; because you couldn’t handle ME.

I’m not sorry for being exactly who I am to you, showing you my soul and letting you run away with the parts I invested in you. You obviously needed them more than me, and that’s okay.

I’m not sorry at all for all the times I showed up to cry with you, or the weird things we did together…or the late night conversations to solve the world’s problems, nope. Not one bit. I’m not sorry for loving you completely and spoiling you…because I think that’s what best friends do. I’m not sorry at all for showing you my true colors…I’m just sorry you couldn’t see that I was being genuine.

I’m sorry that you felt the need to pull away from me and I’m sorry that I didn’t get to roll over into the next chapter with you, but I’m very grateful for all the times we had! Thank you for being part of my life, even if it was only temporary….and thanks for showing me that even if it’s for a short while, you should love those best friends with all your being.

You should also know…if the day comes and you need to knock on my door, it will always be open to you….because that’s just who I am.

Maybe it’s not me after all….

Xoxo

OkieGirl

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Finding The Light.

Among all the hate and history lessons floating around the internet – I thought I would share a story of pain, struggle and hope.

**If you are a close friend or our family – please don’t be offended that I didn’t call and tell you. Please don’t take it personally that you didn’t know before I shared it here. I’m not usually one to share something so personal to begin with – but feel like I should say what countless others are afraid to. I love you all and hope you understand that you’re very important to me…but sometimes I just have to write it out.**

Almost 7 years ago standing around a bon fire I met the love of my life. It was one of those almost instant things…those things you just know. From that night on we didn’t spend much time apart. I think it wasn’t until we had been together for almost 6 months and moved into a house of our own that I said, “You know – you never ACTUALLY asked me out!”  So then, of course – he did!

Sometime into our relationship we had the “kids” talk, because…that’s just something you need to do if you plan on spending FOREVER with someone. He already has two wonderful boys, and I have never really had that “burning desire” to reproduce – so we shared some common ground on not really wanting one of our own. For anyone who knows me – this is to no surprise, I’m just not the momma type… and I personally think that’s okay.

WELL – flash forward like 5 years after that conversation to the day I had to tell my husband that I was late…and, understandably he was confused because I’m never late for anything! I was really late…and I already knew what the little urine covered stick was going to tell me.

PREGNANT

Big bold terrifying letters! I cried, he looked at me like I was crazy, I laughed because I was terrified – still looking at me like I was crazy….then we sat in silence on the couch.

The next day was better…I downloaded an ap on my phone, did all the weird Chinese gender calendar things, found some really good vitamins and really started taking care of my body. In the few short weeks I got to experience being pregnant a lot of things happened.

I found an entirely new love for my husband.

I found an entirely new love for myself and my health.

I found my vulnerable side, and touched base with my strong side.

And I got REALLY in tune with my body.

It was a Friday – just another day at work, hiding being 7 weeks pregnant, I was walking to the back to get some water (and to pee for the 400th time) and I felt a weird pop down there in lady-ville. I remember texting my best friend and telling her “I just felt a bubble pop or something-what is happening?!” She reassured me that I’m just crazy and that it was probably just my body moving something around – bodies do weird things when they’re growing a bean!

As I thought about the pop…my heart began to sink. Two days before, my symptoms had seemingly disappeared – but I let google assure me that it was natural for them to come and go so early.

I tried to keep my mind clear of negative thoughts and go about my day; I guess that worked until I got home.

I let the dog out of her kennel and had to pee AGAIN (probably time 783 for the day) when I noticed some spotting. It wasn’t the color that you can just ignore, either. I broke down there on the toilet, with only the dog home at the time to comfort me. Even though having a child was never in our plan, we had grown to accept the idea and even get excited about it. It was our new reality and I had grown quite fond of the blob in my belly, and the idea of a little red headed me running amuck.

I pulled myself together and called my husband to tell him things weren’t looking good. I tried to hold on to some hope that it was just another weird pregnancy symptom – but in my heart, I knew better.

We had plans on this night – a few friends were coming over to help us get started on our deck! Mikel and I had to go into the home improvement store to get a few last minute items…and when he was in the store, that’s when it started.

I’m a tough girl, I don’t cry…and you can rarely tell if I’m in pain. By the time he got back into the truck – I had a face full of tears and was curled up into a ball. When he asked what was wrong all I could muster was, “It hurts…it hurts a LOT.”

He wanted to take me to the ER, he wanted to cancel our deck plans…and I wouldn’t let him.

The pain came in waves – I guess technically contractions. With each set of cramps came another mass of blood and tissue. This lasted for about 5 hours…happening about every 15-20 minutes. I didn’t go lay in bed and wait it out, I didn’t lay there and cry and pity myself, I walked around outside (this actually helped with the pain, sitting was unbearable), I helped with the deck, I entertained our company…and I held tight to my husband any chance I got.

WHY did I do that…I guess because that was my way of coping at the time; my way of creating a normal amongst the very much not-normal.

I’m very lucky that my body is tough and very efficient – after the 5 excruciating hours, the rest was pretty pain free. For this, I am thankful.

I had an ultrasound the following Monday morning to confirm what I already knew and to make sure that it was all complete. I couldn’t have asked for a better and more caring and comforting nurse…she was so positive and reassuring. My body had done a good job of clearing everything out and there was no need for medical assistance of any kind.

Thank you, body, for taking care of me even though I have abused you plenty of times.

For a few days, I was sad…but wouldn’t allow myself to fall into a depression. I searched each and every day for a positive outcome, and NEVER blamed myself for the loss of our little peanut.

I guess I’m a believer in divine intervention – and that there is a reason for everything. I’m a person that is full of hope and can find the light in the darkest situation.

I know many of you reading this just can’t imagine doing that – but I promise, there is hope…and there IS a reason for everything.

Though all the emotional and physical pains, some amazing things have come for me.

I have never felt closer to my husband or more emotionally connected to him.

I have never cared more about taking care of my body and getting healthy.

I have never cherished my own life and how incredibly short it truly is.

I have never been more clear about my purpose in life, until now.

I have never felt stronger or more empowered…until now, but to me the most positive thing that has come from this is an unimaginable change in my body.

I haven’t had a single twinge of endometriosis pain since our loss.

Sure, it may be superficial and sound selfish – but where I had no hope for ever being pain free and living a normal life, NOW I do, I can, I AM!!

I’m all around a better person for this loss – and my marriage is stronger than ever.

I think every situation allows for the opportunity to get bound up in the negative and let it consume you – but those same opportunities allow for positive and life altering changes, if you choose to see them.

It’s so easy to blame yourself, it’s so easy to fall into a dark place and retreat into a depression. It’s so easy to push away from those who love you and want to help you…and it’s SO hard to stay optimistic about such a painful event…BUT, each is a choice.

I choose happy. I choose to use this event in my life to help others.

I choose to grow as a person, a wife, and a step-mother.

I choose to treat every day as a blessing.

I choose to share this story with you because, it’s real…it’s life…it happens to 1 in 4 women, and some of them just don’t know what to do.

If you are one of them just remember this;

There is nothing wrong with you.

There is nothing wrong with grieving.

There is also nothing wrong with searching for the light and making the best of a tragic situation.

There is NOTHING wrong with doing and dealing the way YOU want and not the way society proclaims you should.

This is your life, your body and your experience…make of it what you will!

My heart goes out to each and every person who has suffered from a loss of any kind, and I urge you to TRY and find some positive in the darkest situations.

“Babies lost in the womb were NEVER touched by fear, they were NEVER cold, NEVER hungry, NEVER alone and importantly they ALWAYS knew love.” – Z Clark – Coates

Have hope and stay true to who you are.

xoxo

OkieGirl

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Completely Or Not At All. { A Wandering Gypsy Post}

Try harder or walk away-that’s it, those are the choices. As I sit here & read this quote over & over in my head I start to feel as if I’m suffocating.

I haven’t been making these decisions in my life in quite some time, I’ve just been sitting here-existing. This goes for just about anything in our lives…..loving ourselves, loving a spouse, a family member, pursuing your dream or passion.

Have y’all heard the saying “there’s only one way to do everything, completely or not at all”? There is so much truth to that, when did we start thinking it was okay to half-ass something? What if a doctor half-assed a surgery he had to do?

What if a pilot half-assed flying the plane? Whatever we do, we should give it our all. We can choose to continue to give our all in our marriage, friendship, job, whatever it may be. Guys, WE CHOOSE! We choose to wake up & love ourselves, to not suffer.

Why is it that we make more stress & struggle for ourselves? Why is it that we run from making a simple decision that could change our whole live for the better? Why?

It’s simple, but it’s not easy. We all have the power within us to nurture ourselves, heal & become stronger & healthier than we once were. AGAIN, it’s not easy but it’s simple & it’s WORTH IT. At this point in my life I am struggling with multiple things.

I’m struggling to find myself, who I truly am inside. I’m not even sure when I lost myself, when my happiness disappeared into the darkness, when my self-confidence demolished, when I stopped doing the things I love….. It’s a heartbreaking thing to feel empty, alone, confused, lost into the unknown.

I’m struggling with thinking I need validation from anyone else to feel good about myself. I’m struggling with opinions of others, not as much as I used to though. Struggling with feeling guilty for the emotions I have. I believe the choice to stay or leave, ultimately determines whether we free ourselves or we suffer… I don’t know about y’all but I’m always worried about making the “right” decision.

I’m a big “what if” thinker…what if I realize I made the wrong choice & can’t fix it, what if it effects my kids in a negative way, what if everything falls apart? I’m so quick to ask the negative what ifs because of fear… But what if it changes your whole life in a positive way, what if it helps you find who you really are inside, what if your purpose is uncovered? We just need to slow down, be still & listen to what our soul is trying to tell us.

If we pay close enough attention I believe it’ll guide us in the right direction. It probably won’t be easy & it might even be a little painful, but wouldn’t you rather grow into a much better person & truly find happiness?

We need to fight through fear.

Forget about the fear we have inside & make a choice. Forget about the fear of what others might think about our choice….try harder or walk away. And get used to having that choice to make cause it will continue to pop up throughout your life. You have to figure out what’s worth it to you, who are you & what do YOU want-not anyone else. A good place to start is by loving yourself….

XoXo

WanderingGypsy

He Does.

For women like me, who were raised to be tough willed and bull headed…sometimes it’s really hard to let yourself be vulnerable, to let yourself feel.

For YEARS I have hid my feelings deep inside, dealing with my demons on my own….unwilling to let anyone see me as anything but tough and happy.

I’m over that shit.

It took quite a while for my wonderful husband to break down my walls and show me that being a “girl” in front of him was okay. I still try not to cry in front of him, but if I do…he knows just what to do to comfort me. I still try and hide being upset, but he sees right through it, and usually does something weird to make me laugh.

There aren’t a lot of people in this world that can comfort you by simply being by your side…but he does.

There aren’t a lot of people who try and understand your pain instead of just putting it off…but he does.

There certainly aren’t a lot of men who listen to their wives ramble about their girly drama…but he does.

There aren’t a lot of men who step back and take the time to teach their wives whatever it is they want to learn…but he does.

He never mocks all my questions and is always teaching me new things and building me up.

He has never once told me I couldn’t do something, and always encourages me to try.

He believes in me when I don’t.

He is my best friend and my partner for life.

You really are my other half, babe…and I’d be so lost in this world without you.

Love never fails.

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xoxo

OkieGirl