Today, I can’t get out of bed…
When the alarm went off at whatever time he sets it for and I wake from some fuzzy dream, I realize it’s going to be one of those days. The pain is high, I can’t lift my legs without this hot, radiating pressure shooing down them and through my hips. My guts begin to burn, my entire pelvis is hot and aching while also feeling as if there’s some sort of spreading mechanism in there pushing it apart, and the top of my hip feels as if it’s cracking. There’s a new pain on the right side that’s like “hey, I’m here – make sure you recognize me!” …it’s a pressure, like there’s a tiny midget living on my ovary, squeezing it and pushing on my stomach. Oh, and of course at whatever o’clock my bladder is full…and it’s pushing on all this pissed off mess and I literally just can’t.
He rolls over and puts his warm arms around me, and for a second I just let go. That’s my safe place…the place where nothing can get me. I almost instantly feel guilty for feeling so bad. I try not to complain…I never want anyone to really know what I’m going through. I don’t want anyone to know that I can’t get out of bed…so I do.
I get up and make the coffee because my sleepy man has to go work is ass off all day, and he more than deserves it. I get up and rummage through the clothes in the dryer so the kids can get dressed, because I was too worn out to fold and put the clothes away last night. I entertain the pups, feed them, make sure they get some outside time…oh, and somewhere in there I get myself half ass put together, get the bed made and start some laundry. Then, it’s to the car and off to school we go…all with a fun attitude and a smile on on my face.
…because I have to.
My family needs me.
Could they function without me? Absolutely…but they don’t deserve an extra burden just because my body enjoys fighting itself. It’s not their fault that my issues are worse today than normal. They shouldn’t have to sacrifice things because I’m not doing so hot. To be honest, they save me. If I didn’t need to take care of them and love them…and help them, I wouldn’t be okay. I WOULDN’T get out of bed. I would be miserable, depressed, anxious and feel like I have nothing worth fighting for. I wouldn’t be as healthy as I am despite this evil disease…if it weren’t for them.
God gave them to me so I’d be okay, and I thank Him every day for them and the opportunity to love them!
So, today I couldn’t get out of bed…but, I did anyway.
Don’t let your disease define you. Fight through it, pray through it and find something that gets you out of bed even when you can’t.