Among all the hate and history lessons floating around the internet – I thought I would share a story of pain, struggle and hope.
**If you are a close friend or our family – please don’t be offended that I didn’t call and tell you. Please don’t take it personally that you didn’t know before I shared it here. I’m not usually one to share something so personal to begin with – but feel like I should say what countless others are afraid to. I love you all and hope you understand that you’re very important to me…but sometimes I just have to write it out.**
Almost 7 years ago standing around a bon fire I met the love of my life. It was one of those almost instant things…those things you just know. From that night on we didn’t spend much time apart. I think it wasn’t until we had been together for almost 6 months and moved into a house of our own that I said, “You know – you never ACTUALLY asked me out!” So then, of course – he did!
Sometime into our relationship we had the “kids” talk, because…that’s just something you need to do if you plan on spending FOREVER with someone. He already has two wonderful boys, and I have never really had that “burning desire” to reproduce – so we shared some common ground on not really wanting one of our own. For anyone who knows me – this is to no surprise, I’m just not the momma type… and I personally think that’s okay.
WELL – flash forward like 5 years after that conversation to the day I had to tell my husband that I was late…and, understandably he was confused because I’m never late for anything! I was really late…and I already knew what the little urine covered stick was going to tell me.
Big bold terrifying letters! I cried, he looked at me like I was crazy, I laughed because I was terrified – still looking at me like I was crazy….then we sat in silence on the couch.
The next day was better…I downloaded an ap on my phone, did all the weird Chinese gender calendar things, found some really good vitamins and really started taking care of my body. In the few short weeks I got to experience being pregnant a lot of things happened.
I found an entirely new love for my husband.
I found an entirely new love for myself and my health.
I found my vulnerable side, and touched base with my strong side.
And I got REALLY in tune with my body.
It was a Friday – just another day at work, hiding being 7 weeks pregnant, I was walking to the back to get some water (and to pee for the 400th time) and I felt a weird pop down there in lady-ville. I remember texting my best friend and telling her “I just felt a bubble pop or something-what is happening?!” She reassured me that I’m just crazy and that it was probably just my body moving something around – bodies do weird things when they’re growing a bean!
As I thought about the pop…my heart began to sink. Two days before, my symptoms had seemingly disappeared – but I let google assure me that it was natural for them to come and go so early.
I tried to keep my mind clear of negative thoughts and go about my day; I guess that worked until I got home.
I let the dog out of her kennel and had to pee AGAIN (probably time 783 for the day) when I noticed some spotting. It wasn’t the color that you can just ignore, either. I broke down there on the toilet, with only the dog home at the time to comfort me. Even though having a child was never in our plan, we had grown to accept the idea and even get excited about it. It was our new reality and I had grown quite fond of the blob in my belly, and the idea of a little red headed me running amuck.
I pulled myself together and called my husband to tell him things weren’t looking good. I tried to hold on to some hope that it was just another weird pregnancy symptom – but in my heart, I knew better.
We had plans on this night – a few friends were coming over to help us get started on our deck! Mikel and I had to go into the home improvement store to get a few last minute items…and when he was in the store, that’s when it started.
I’m a tough girl, I don’t cry…and you can rarely tell if I’m in pain. By the time he got back into the truck – I had a face full of tears and was curled up into a ball. When he asked what was wrong all I could muster was, “It hurts…it hurts a LOT.”
He wanted to take me to the ER, he wanted to cancel our deck plans…and I wouldn’t let him.
The pain came in waves – I guess technically contractions. With each set of cramps came another mass of blood and tissue. This lasted for about 5 hours…happening about every 15-20 minutes. I didn’t go lay in bed and wait it out, I didn’t lay there and cry and pity myself, I walked around outside (this actually helped with the pain, sitting was unbearable), I helped with the deck, I entertained our company…and I held tight to my husband any chance I got.
WHY did I do that…I guess because that was my way of coping at the time; my way of creating a normal amongst the very much not-normal.
I’m very lucky that my body is tough and very efficient – after the 5 excruciating hours, the rest was pretty pain free. For this, I am thankful.
I had an ultrasound the following Monday morning to confirm what I already knew and to make sure that it was all complete. I couldn’t have asked for a better and more caring and comforting nurse…she was so positive and reassuring. My body had done a good job of clearing everything out and there was no need for medical assistance of any kind.
Thank you, body, for taking care of me even though I have abused you plenty of times.
For a few days, I was sad…but wouldn’t allow myself to fall into a depression. I searched each and every day for a positive outcome, and NEVER blamed myself for the loss of our little peanut.
I guess I’m a believer in divine intervention – and that there is a reason for everything. I’m a person that is full of hope and can find the light in the darkest situation.
I know many of you reading this just can’t imagine doing that – but I promise, there is hope…and there IS a reason for everything.
Though all the emotional and physical pains, some amazing things have come for me.
I have never felt closer to my husband or more emotionally connected to him.
I have never cared more about taking care of my body and getting healthy.
I have never cherished my own life and how incredibly short it truly is.
I have never been more clear about my purpose in life, until now.
I have never felt stronger or more empowered…until now, but to me the most positive thing that has come from this is an unimaginable change in my body.
I haven’t had a single twinge of endometriosis pain since our loss.
Sure, it may be superficial and sound selfish – but where I had no hope for ever being pain free and living a normal life, NOW I do, I can, I AM!!
I’m all around a better person for this loss – and my marriage is stronger than ever.
I think every situation allows for the opportunity to get bound up in the negative and let it consume you – but those same opportunities allow for positive and life altering changes, if you choose to see them.
It’s so easy to blame yourself, it’s so easy to fall into a dark place and retreat into a depression. It’s so easy to push away from those who love you and want to help you…and it’s SO hard to stay optimistic about such a painful event…BUT, each is a choice.
I choose happy. I choose to use this event in my life to help others.
I choose to grow as a person, a wife, and a step-mother.
I choose to treat every day as a blessing.
I choose to share this story with you because, it’s real…it’s life…it happens to 1 in 4 women, and some of them just don’t know what to do.
If you are one of them just remember this;
There is nothing wrong with you.
There is nothing wrong with grieving.
There is also nothing wrong with searching for the light and making the best of a tragic situation.
There is NOTHING wrong with doing and dealing the way YOU want and not the way society proclaims you should.
This is your life, your body and your experience…make of it what you will!
My heart goes out to each and every person who has suffered from a loss of any kind, and I urge you to TRY and find some positive in the darkest situations.
“Babies lost in the womb were NEVER touched by fear, they were NEVER cold, NEVER hungry, NEVER alone and importantly they ALWAYS knew love.” – Z Clark – Coates
Have hope and stay true to who you are.